I Will Remember You
by Tjsmklvr
Rating: PG-13
Timeline: AU / Late Third Season. What if Double Agent occurred in third season rather than second?
Summary: Will memories be all Lee has left of Amanda?
Author's Notes: Special thanks to Sarah McLachlan and her song "I Will Remember You" for the inspiration and to Robert Bielak who wrote the episode Double Agent.
Prologue
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
“Hi there.” She dipped her head to try to make eye contact with her weary partner who was sprawled out on his couch. After knocking several times without a reply she had finally let herself in. He’d called in sick earlier that morning—the bottle of whisky now clutched in his hand was a clear indication where his ailments stemmed from. Mr. Melrose had finally given in and allowed her to go look for him, but not before she‘d agreed to take protection. That protection was now standing outside Lee’s apartment door. She only hoped Agent Brawer wouldn’t overhear the coming conversation.
“Amanda, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in hiding.” His voice was gravelly and irritated. Seeing the dark circles under his eyes, it was obvious he hadn’t gotten any sleep last night. He was still wearing his suit from the day before, sans his tie and jacket. His once crisp white shirt was now wrinkled and un-tucked haphazardly.
Amanda sighed and then coughed when the stale stench of the room flooded her nostrils. It smelled like a brewery. She pulled back the drapes and opened the window. Fresh air would be a good start. “Well, I was on my way to the temporary safe house, but my partner didn’t come to say goodbye,” she threw over her shoulder as she opened the second window. “So, I thought I’d come see if he was all right.” She walked back over to him on the couch and tried to help him up but was waved off.
“Why wouldn’t I be all right? And, I liked those closed.” He squinted toward the drapes and then rubbed his face, no doubt to block out the sunlight. “I’m not the one whose life is about to completely change. They’ll just give me a new codename and ship me off to some other agency. It’ll be ‘same old, same old’ for me.”
She swallowed down the lump that formed in her throat and bit her bottom lip. After all this time, he still thought of her as just a nuisance—a problem he had to deal with. Last night was just a mistake to him, a chink in the armor.
“Yeah, I guess it will. You know, I thought that after nearly three years I meant more to you than ‘resident nuisance’. I thought we were friends, Lee.” When he didn’t reply she dejectedly grabbed the empty bottles and glasses, intent on taking them to the kitchen, but Lee yanked them out of her hands and threw them back on the coffee table. Amanda jumped as the bottles crashed against one another.
“We were . . . are friends, Amanda.” He finally looked at her and as if frightened by what he saw, hastily turned away. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now.”
And as quickly as that, the walls were back up.
“Well, tell me, Lee. When will be a good time? This is it!” When he made no attempt at speaking, she continued. “Oh, right.” She nodded her head in disgust. “When things get too emotional, the infamous Scarecrow has to run away. Heaven forbid he might care about someone besides himself!”
“What’s the point? They just leave.” He took a swig out of the whiskey bottle. He’d divested himself of all the Scotch prior to her arrival by the sight of the empty bottles. “They all leave . . . even you.”
“So that’s it? You push your way into my life, turn it upside down, and then walk away?” Her heart was pounding and she was certain he could hear it.
“I don’t have a choice, Amanda! I tried to keep you out of this godforsaken business! But, oh no, you wouldn’t listen. You never listened!” He jabbed his finger toward her and then ran his hand roughly through his hair as he paced behind the sofa. “And now look at your future. I’ve made sure you and your family will never have a normal life again.” He staggered over and dropped into the chair. His head was now cradled in his hands in self-pity.
“Hold it right there, Buster!” Amanda sat on the coffee table and placed her hand on his knee trying to get his attention. “You didn’t do anything. I chose this life. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I don’t have any regrets. I did what I had to do, and I’d do it all over again. Well, maybe I have one regret . . .” She moved her hand to his forearm trying to convey her thoughts as she lightly caressed him. They had been getting closer over the past few months. And no matter how drunk he was last night, that kiss meant something. Or, at least, she thought it had. No, she was certain she saw it in his eyes. He cared deeply for her. It didn’t matter what he tried to play off now, he was in pain as sure as she was.
Lee snatched his arm away and abruptly stood, nearly knocking her over. “You need to go—”
“You aren’t even going to try to be the man you could be?” she asked indignantly. She’d tried playing things his way but no more. This was her last chance. Their last chance. If she walked out that door she’d never see him again. He’d never know how she really felt. She shook her head in determination. “You may be afraid to tell me how you feel but I want . . . no, I need you to know how I feel. “Lee, you are so special to me. I can’t lea—”
“No! Just go, Amanda.” The coldness in his voice startled her. “I told you once before: I’m poison. Go live your life. We’ll both be better off.” He opened the door and nodded to the agent. As almost an afterthought, he quietly added. “Be happy.”
Amanda lightly touched her hand to his chest. She gazed into his glazed eyes and saw ‘Scarecrow’ staring back at her. It was amazing how quickly the Lee of old had returned. Those eyes belonged to the cold, distant loner she’d met on that train platform years before. There would be no breaking through those walls today--it took nearly three years the first time. She wouldn’t be hurt anymore. “Goodbye, Scarecrow. Be sure to tell Lee I’ll miss him.” Holding back the tears that threatened to fall, she bit the inside of her cheek. She would not let him see her;’ cry.
His eyes furrowed at her comment and when it seemed the realization of her statement had hit, he immediately looked down to the floor.
Amanda stood on the other side of his door stunned and shaking in disbelief. This was it. She’d leave and they’d never see each other again. Her life of danger, excitement, and intrigue was over. It would soon only be a distant memory. If only Lee would be so easy to forget. One lone tear cascaded down her cheek as she watched the door close. “Goodbye, Lee.” she whispered.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
Three days earlier . . .
Stepping off the elevator, Amanda quickly spied Lee heading into the bullpen and called out to him. “Lee, I was just at home watching The Arlene Francis Show with Mother. Lee, there was a man on there, a former agent! He’s going—”
“To expose the Agency. I know.” He pulled her out of the high traffic of the hallway to just inside the entrance of the bullpen.
“Oh, of course, you already know. So you have a plan to stop him?” She sighed in relief. Of course he did. He never let her down.
“No.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Oh.” She grimaced.
“Listen, Amanda—”
“Lee, did you hear what he said? ‘Operation Sandstorm.’ That was me!”
“I remember . . .” He ran his hand over his face roughly. “We all remember!”
“Ooh,” she groaned at the painful reminder of her earlier ineptitude.
“Don’t worry about it; that was a long time ago. Look, we’ll go talk to Billy and see what he has to say. Okay?” Lee squeezed her hand and smiled.
“Okay.” He guided her to Billy’s office and found him on the phone, a look of boredom etched across his face. Amanda slumped into the open chair and watched as Lee paced the small path to the left of Billy’s desk. Lost in thought, she jumped when she heard the deep voice of her boss.
“Good morning, Amanda.”
She sat up straighter. “Morning, Sir.”
Billy walked around his desk and leaned on the edge in front of Amanda. “Now, I know this is all very upsetting to you, Amanda.”
“Yes, it is. How are we going to stop this book from getting published?”
“We are doing everything we can.”
“Yes, Sir. Of course, Sir.” She stared at him waiting for the plan. “Like what, Sir?”
Francine sashayed into the room. “Legal is working on an injunction to stop the publication,” she stated matter-of-factly.
“What if that doesn’t work? I mean, do we have a Plan B?” Amanda looked up and found Francine staring blankly back at her.
Apparently there was no plan B.
Billy touched Amanda’s hand and she turned toward him. “You and your family will be taken care of, believe me.”
“Amanda, worst comes to worst, we’ll give you a new identity and move you to another part of the country,” Francine interjected.
“Oh no. Not in the middle of the school year!” Francine had no idea how big a deal it really was. It was hard enough to pack the family up for their annual camping trip, how the heck could she be expected to pack her entire family up and move them halfway across the country? And then expect them to understand that they’d have to leave their home and friends. Then there was their father. Oh what would they do about Joe? Would he come with them? Would they leave never to return to the life they knew? She cringed at the thought of trying to explain things to her mother. Looking up alarmingly at Lee, her eyes begged him to come up with a better plan.
“There are worse catastrophes,” Francine rolled her eyes.
Amanda opened her mouth to reply, but the phone on Billy’s desk rang. She was only able to give Francine a sharp glare before she heard him answer the call. “Melrose here.”
“Lee?” She whispered trying not to disturb her boss’ phone conversation.
“Hmm?”
“Maybe, if I just went and talked to Mr. Harriman myself—”
“No. Forget it, Amanda. I tried. Nothing I said made any difference.”
“Yes, but—”
“That was legal.” Billy slammed the receiver back onto its cradle. “The injunction was denied.”
“Great! Just great! When I talked to that S.O.B. this morning, he was so smug. He couldn’t wait to stick it to us because he screwed up and was sent to that jungle outpost!” Lee returned to the pacing he had started when they arrived.
“Sir? Would you let me talk to Mr. Harriman myself and let him see someone whose life would be completely ruined if he publishes this book? Please, Mr. Melrose?”
“Amanda . . .” Lee tried to quiet her but she had to try.
“Please, Sir?”
“I suppose it can’t hurt, and we’re running out of options.” Francine and Lee exchanged a look of disbelief.
“Billy! I’m telling you; it’s a waste of time. The guy will not budge. He doesn’t care that he’s endangering a lot of lives.”
“Then you must have a better idea?” Billy’s eyebrows raised in challenge.
Lee scratched his head in disgust. “Come on; I’ll drive.” Lee muttered in resignation.
“Thank you, Sir.” Amanda smiled gratefully and allowed Lee to escort her out of the room.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
“So they killed him and took the manuscript?” Billy asked and popped a couple antacids into his mouth.
“Yeah. No doubt to start a bidding war between us and the Russians.” Lee began to pace the small path between Billy’s desk and the window, with each pass glancing at Amanda’s rigid form sitting in the chair. She hadn’t said a word since they had found Harriman dead in his hotel room. The look in her eyes said that she knew what this meant and the repercussions it would have on their working relationship or, more importantly, her life and that of her family’s.
He didn’t want this. He wanted her to stay out of this business. If only she would have listened to him and walked away three years ago when he had warned her something like this could happen: ‘People in my business have years of training. It could get dangerous. Even worse, you could screw things up.’
She’d certainly screwed things up for him. Before she came along he had been quite content with his life. He had everything he ever wanted. He was happy with the ‘flavor of the week,’ happy to come home from a long day at work to an empty apartment. He cast his eyes on Amanda once more, but instead of seeing her sitting there he saw his former partner, Dorothy. Her brown eyes were pleading with him not to push her away. The past blended with the present and he was reminded of the argument he’d had with her days before her death.
Lee had warned her that he wasn’t good at long-term relationships. That she would be better off without him, but she’d had none of it. If she had only listened. But then, wasn’t the damage already done? Being involved with him was a curse. First his parents had died and then Dorothy. Hell, even his partner, Eric died because of him. He wouldn’t allow that to be Amanda’s fate.
History seemed to be repeating itself – his partner was in danger once again and the only common factor was . . . him. Everyone he had ever cared about had left him, and they always would.
Mentally shaking the past from his thoughts, his eyes drifted to the floor. She had heavily entrenched herself into his life, and he now saw full-force the effect he’d had on hers. Maybe starting a new life far away from him was what she needed. She would finally be safe—from him.
Just as Lee was having his epiphany, Francine burst through the door. “Well, it looks like they’ve got the Russians’ interest. One of my sources at the Russian Embassy says they are chomping at the bit to get a hold of this thing.” Francine’s eyes widened as she looked from Billy to Lee
Billy stood up and pounded his fist onto his desk. “We need to get a line on this guy. Get the word out that we’re looking to deal. I want that book!” When they all looked at him expectantly, he yelled, “Well, move!”
Lee rushed out the door, hoping to avoid a confrontation with Amanda but he wasn’t successful. Amanda caught him just outside Billy’s office door.
“Lee?”
“No, Amanda.” He held up his hand to stave off any argument she was planning.
“No?” She stared back at him with her mouth open.
“You’re not going with me.”
“But I might be able to help. Besides, I’m involved in this too. It’s my life that’s going to be exposed if we don’t get that book!”
“Along with a lot of other people’s! Amanda, for once, just do as I ask? You have enough to handle.” At her questioning look, he continued, “You probably should talk to your family about the possibility of . . . going into the relocation program.”
There, he’d said it. Perhaps now she’d see he was right all along: she didn’t belong in this business. She sighed deeply and shifted her feet. He was certain she was trying to come up with a viable reason to tag along. Why did she have to give him that sad look? He hated disappointing her but he had no choice.
Lee heard Billy clear his throat and turned around.
“She’s got a stake in this too, Scarecrow. Take her with you. She may be able to help.” Billy’s brow shot up in a challenge and Lee knew from experience not to argue.
Lee sighed. Once again he’d lost an argument to the housewife turned spy. This wasn’t his day. “Come on.”
“Thank you, Sir!” she exclaimed as Lee guided her toward the exit.
The usual bounce in her step had quickly returned and he had to smile at her typical enthusiasm in spite of himself. She took on each of their cases as if it was her first; the thought that this could possibly be their last was not lost on him as he pushed the button for the elevator. He almost regretted what he would have to do. Pushing her away would be the hardest thing he’d ever do.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
“A-man-da! There you are! Where have you been? And what do you mean they contacted you? How? When?” He rubbed his temples. He was starting to sound like her now. Agent Johnson hadn’t mentioned any of this when he called an hour ago. No. That bumbling idiot was too busy searching for excuses as to why he’d lost track of her after she rushed out of her house. They were supposed to be protecting her. He ushered her into his apartment and closed the door.
“Lee?”
He looked up to see her staring at him expectantly. “I’m sorry. What did you say?” He motioned for her to sit on the couch as she handed him her coat. “Please, sit.”
“I said, a man called around eight tonight. Anyway, he congratulated me on being the star of page ninety-one in The Suburban Spy. He said they tapped my phones, so I thought I better come over here instead of calling.”
“Do you realize that you lost Johnson? You weren’t supposed to shake him, Amanda. He was your protection.”
She shrugged innocently. “I didn’t try to lose him.”
Lee raked his fingers through his hair. Oh, he’d have to give Johnson a hard time for losing a civilian driving a station wagon. He’d never hear the end of it. That is, if he let him live.
“Lee, they gave Augie a list of instructions that said they will only deal with me. I have to follow the instructions precisely.” She handed him the envelope.
“No! Absolutely not, Amanda! Wait. Augie? You went and saw Augie? Tonight? Alone? What were thinking? You should have called me.”
“I’m sorry. The man on the phone told me to come alone and gave me barely enough time to drive there. Besides, they tapped my phone.” The look of remorse in her eyes flickered into what appeared to be disappointment. “Not to mention I thought the Agency had my line tapped as well. I had hoped you would have heard the conversation and met me out there.”
“Well, we didn't think they'd be contacting you personally.”
“Well, I guess you were wrong,” she quipped.
Lee opened his mouth to give a biting retort but realized she was right. They should have been more on top of things. Giving himself a mental shake he tried to focus on the instructions in his hands. He read through the list. “No way! Forget it, Amanda. You’re not doing this. This guy wants you to do the exchange. It’s way too dangerous!” He rubbed the back of his neck trying to relieve some of the tension that had settled there.
“Lee, I have to go! They said they’re watching my house and my family. If we don’t get that manuscript . . .” Her eyes pleaded with his.
Lee sat down beside her and patted her hand trying to calm her down. “I know. I know.” He had to get the book back! She scooted closer and laid her head on his shoulder. The floral scent of her shampoo was intoxicating. It would be so easy to kiss her. He wanted to kiss her. He was pretty certain she wanted him to kiss her too. He looked down to see brown eyes staring up at him.
He bolted off the couch and escaped to the other side of the room, staring blindly at the photos lining the mantle. He could not allow himself the luxuries of feelings right now. She needed him to find the book not contemplating kissing her soft lips and touching her silky skin. Lee pinched the bridge of his nose trying to gain some semblance of control. Damn you, Herriman! Feeling her soft touch on his shoulder he tensed but quickly recovered, keeping his back to her.
“Look, Amanda. I’m gonna get it back. Okay? Trust me. But I think it would be best if you let us handle this.”
Amanda cleared her throat. “Us? What do you mean, ‘us’?” She moved around to his right and looked to him expectantly but he refused to make eye contact. This was hard enough as it was without losing focus, which, he was sure to do if he looked her in the eye.
“I thought we were a team, Lee?” She slapped her fist against her thigh.
“Don’t you see? This is way too dangerous for you, for your family. My God, Amanda, don’t you get it? If I don’t get this back you’re going to be shipped to the middle of Iowa or some other god-forsaken place. You’ll be stripped of your identity; taken away from your friends, everything that makes you who you are, and not just you--Phillip, Jamie, your mother.” He could feel his jaw tensing and his pulse rapidly beating out of control but was helpless to stop it.
“Don’t you think I know that? It terrifies me to think that everything I’ve done over the past three years to make the world a safer place for my boys could be the one thing that tears their world apart?” She whipped around and stalked over to the large window taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly.
Lee watched her still form as she stood staring out to the street below, her arms wrapped protectively around her.
It was so quiet he could hear the hum of the refrigerator in the next room. Amanda, who always had something to say, was speechless. He remained behind her wanting, aching to touch her, but stopping himself. Control. “Do you want something to drink? I have some wine,” his voice cracked and he cleared his throat.
“No,” she whispered and then turned from the window looking deflated. “I need to go.” She walked toward the door.
“Amanda, I’m sorry . . .” he let his thought trail off, not sure what he wanted to say.
“No, don’t.” She held up her hand. “You have always been honest about your feelings—at least in regards to me being in this business. I had just hoped that after all that we’ve been through, you’d trust me more.” She shrugged on her coat and had her hand on the doorknob when she turned around to him abruptly. A look of determination was etched on her face. “I will be there tomorrow and I will see this to the end . . . whatever the outcome.” Without waiting for his response she left.
He swallowed the bile that threatened to rise. Scotch. He needed a scotch. Then he’d call Billy and fill him in.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
After staggering out of Lee’s place, Amanda drove aimlessly. Away from him or toward something, she wasn’t sure. He would never know how much he’d hurt her by pushing her away as if she was the fuzzy green stuff that she'd thrown out of his fridge. After all they’d been through together and he still felt he could do it alone. All the time and effort it took to break through his walls were for not. She slammed her hand on the steering wheel in frustration. “I’ll just have to prove to him that he does need me. We have to keep that manuscript out of the Russians’ hands or none of it will matter. We’ll be shipped to parts unknown.”
“But I think it would be best if you let us handle this.” She snarled. The nerve of that man! As if she were just some fresh recruit! If she had stayed out of half their past cases he’s told her to, he’d be dead! Where did he get off telling her to stay out of it? This was her life too! “He needs me and we both know it. He’s just too stubborn to admit it.” She’d show him. A plan formed in her mind. She’d have to talk to Mr. Melrose before Lee got a chance to talk him out of letting her do the ransom drop. With that decided she turned down a neighborhood street toward her home on Maplewood.
His harsh words once again invaded her thoughts. “ . . . You’ll be stripped of your identity; taken away from your friends, everything that makes you who you are, and not just you--Phillip, Jamie, your mother.” Amanda cringed. “What am I going to tell mother?” Catching her reflection in the rearview mirror she studied the woman staring back at her. “Mother, have you ever thought about moving?” She shook her head and glanced at the road in front of her. Too blunt. “You know, Mother, I’ve been thinking, maybe we could all use a change of scenery. I’ve heard Montana is nice.” She winced at the idiocy of it all. Her mother would see right through her.
Any further thoughts were cut short as she pulled into the driveway, nearly hitting Phillip’s bike in the process. Moments later she was tip toeing into the back door in hopes of finding everyone asleep.
“Amanda, is that you?”
No such luck. “Yes, Mother.” She tossed her keys and purse on the counter then grabbed the tea kettle and began filling it. Maybe tea would ease the pounding in her head. She rubbed her temple as she turned on the stove.
“What’s wrong, dear?” She jumped when she felt her mother’s arm on her shoulder.
“Oh, I barely missed hitting Phillip’s bike on my way in. He promised me he wouldn’t leave it in the middle of the driveway anymore after what happened to Jamie’s last time.”
“Well, he had a lot on his mind. It seems Linda Montez’s father is being transferred to North Dakota. You’d think it was the end of the world as we know it.” She harrumphed.
“Really?” Amanda saw her opening and dove in. “You know, we did a documentary on North Dakota a few months back, it seemed like a lovely place to live. Have you ever thought of moving someplace different, Mother?” Amanda poured two mugs of tea and handed one to her mother.
“Thank you, Darling. Yes, why just the other day I saw a beautiful colonial on Oak Terrace. It had the most adorable—”
“No, Mother. I meant a different state. Like, I don’t know . . . Montana? Or even North Dakota?” Amanda shrugged as if it was just a random conversation.
“Oh, Amanda, this is just a junior high crush. We can’t just pick up and move just because Phillip’s puppy dog crush is moving away. He’ll get over it, Dear. You can’t protect him from everything – he needs to experience the good and the bad in life. Besides, what would we do in North Dakota? It’s freezing there!” She shivered and scooted up the stairs. “Goodnight, Darling. Thanks for the tea.”
Amanda gulped down some tea and her shoulders slumped forward. She tried. She’d just have to be sure things didn’t go that far. She flipped off the lights in the kitchen and den and headed up to bed. She’d need a good night’s sleep if she was going to be in first thing in the morning to talk to Mr. Melrose before Lee.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
“A roaring fire, handcuffs, and just the two of us . . . I bet your old boyfriend, Don was never this romantic.
Amanda rolled her eyes and yanked a bit too hard on his belt.
“Hey! Watch it!”
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Lee, I can do this.” She fiddled at his belt again, being careful not to poke him further. Although, right now it might feel good to give him one good strategically placed jab.
“Is that what you told Billy at the crack of dawn this morning, that you could ‘handle’ this assignment?”
She kept her eyes on the task of removing his belt, but could feel his eyes burning into her. Why did he have to smell so good? Focus, Amanda!
As she slid her hand around his trim waist her finger slipped under the waistband of his slacks, barely grazing the smooth skin and he inadvertently shivered. Her eyes grew wide and nervously she moistened her dry lips.
“Amanda?” His voice was softer this time and he expelled a heavy breath.
She frantically pulled the belt through the final loop as her eyes met his warm stare. “I told you, I would see this through. I may not be the calm and collected agent that Francine is but . . .” She bit her bottom lip. “I can do this, Lee.”
As the sweat dripped down her back, the heat of the fire reminding her of the necessary urgency, she jammed the metal tongue of the belt into her handcuff. Why did the bad guys always have to make bad situations even worse? As if it wasn’t enough that they were handcuffed to a heavy piece of machinery in an empty warehouse, there had to be an out of control fire added to the mix. The boom of another barrel of fuel exploding a few feet away made her jump.
“I know, but –”
“And I meant it, Lee.” With one final twist of the metal she was free from the confines of the cuff. “Got it!”
“Good! Now get these things off me, huh? That fire’s getting a little too close!” It was the first time she realized he was sweating.
“Right!” She worked quickly to free him while trying to block out the pending doom the fire presented. “Almost . . . there.” The click of the lock snapping open was music to her ears.
“Okay, now I want you to get out of here and take ‘Sleeping Beauty’ with you.” He indicated the man beginning to stir on the floor. “Don’t let him of your sight. After the number his partner did on him I don’t think we’ll have to work too hard to get him to talk.”
Amanda nodded and stepped over to help the man up. She could hear the whoosh of the fire extinguisher drown out Lee’s footsteps as he hurried after the manuscript. The acrid smoke filled her lungs and the heavy air made it impossible to breathe. The heat spurred her into gear. But unfortunately, the other guy was still too woozy to give too much help. Amanda knew the importance of getting him to safety and in custody, especially if Lee was unsuccessful in finding his partner with the manuscript. The trip nearly took longer than she or her lungs could bear.
Moments later she was encircled by a swarm of agents who took custody of her ward leaving her free to go into the building to find Lee only to be stopped by a fireman.
Her heart thumped in her throat when she saw his soot-laden form escape the building. There eyes met as he shrugged indicating his own disappointment and she nodded in understanding, then smiled to reassure him. Rushing toward him, the dejected look in his eyes was haunting. She recognized that look;he felt he had failed her, the feeling was almost palpable. When she finally reached him, she threw her arms around him and he stiffened and pulled away. Feeling awkward, she handed him his belt. “Here you go. It’s a bit mangled but you could probably get it fixed.”
“Look Amanda, I’m going to need to stick around a while. Why don’t you have Billy take you back to the Agency?” With that he turned around and sauntered over to a group of fireman, leaving Amanda still holding his mangled belt.
Amanda sighed. One more layer of brick in his carefully crafted wall of defense.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
Lee couldn’t remember a time she looked so distraught. He was only getting snippets of the conversation but the occasional outburst from Dotty followed by the soft calming voice of Amanda made it clear she was telling her mother the truth about her secret life. The strain in her voice gave him proof of what he already knew—this was tearing Amanda up inside.
She always hated lying to her family, especially to her mother and now to come face to face with the effect of that deceit was killing her. He thought her knees were going to buckle when Phillip and Jamie ran upstairs in tears a few minutes earlier. A quick flash of the Colonel coming into his room to inform him they were being transferred yet again played before him. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone especially two innocent little boys.
His heart ached as he watched Amanda explain the past 3 years to her mother. She was falling all over herself trying to make Dotty understand. Couldn’t Billy have sent someone with her to help explain things? Of course, if Billy had, he himself might be inside sitting next to Amanda on the couch instead of out here on her back porch watching it all unfold. He couldn’t handle that right now. She needed a clean break from him--and him of her.
He squirmed in his hunkered down position near the French doors of the den. It was here that he’d determined he could pick up most of the conversation and still watch the occupants through the slight opening in the curtain. They had all started off in the kitchen immediately following dinner dishes but when Amanda had gotten into the heart of the matter they’d made their way to the couch. Dotty paced a bit before finally seeking refuge in the wing back chair next to the couch. Her body language screamed anger and hurt. His heart lurched for Amanda. She didn’t deserve this. The only thing she did wrong was trust him, and look what that got her.
Amanda’s anguished cry pulled him from his thoughts and he strained to hear. “ . . . Of course I thought about them! Mother, I know that you’re upset, but please understand that I truly hated lying to you. I wanted to tell you so many times but I just couldn’t.” Amanda tried to move closer to her mother but Dotty stood and turned away. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to go to Amanda--to comfort her. Thankfully he remembered he was the reason she was in this mess and stretched his legs before squatting back down again to listen.
Dotty turned around just as Amanda stood. “National security! Yes, you mentioned that. I’m your mother, young lady! How could you have this secret life and not tell me? Traipsing around God only knows where . . . playing spy. You’re a mother of two small boys!” She shook her head and folded her arms across her chest.
“Mother, please sit down.” Amanda reached for Dotty and Lee was relieved to see she didn’t pull away. That’s right, calm her down and then explain it to her, Amanda. If she could calm him down, she could certainly handle Dotty West.
“I know this is a lot to take all at once. I really did have the best intentions in joining the Agency. I’ve tried to make it a safer place for the boys and you.” The past few days seemed to have caught up with her. Her voice was gravely and he could now see dark circles under her eyes. God only knew when the last time she got a good night’s sleep was. She continued. “That day at the train station when that man asked for my help, I just couldn’t say no. His eyes –” Lee fought down a wave of apprehension at her words and strained to hear more but she never finished her thought. Why did he suddenly feel disappointed?
Dotty sucked in a breath and cupped her hand to her mouth as if she’d just had an epiphany. “That day you came home and rushed us off to Uncle Herman’s! You said there was a bomb . . .”
Amanda nodded. “I was telling the truth. I needed to know you and the boys would be safe.” He could only sit and watch as she wiped the tears from her face.
“Oh Amanda, how dangerous is this job? Have you ever been hurt? What’s going to happen to us in this ‘relocation program’ of yours? Dotty was now sitting next to her daughter clasping her hand.
Amanda’s longing gaze briefly fell on the kitchen window. “I’m well protected. No, not seriously hurt. And we’ll be sent to a new city and given new identities. It’ll be like starting over, Mother. You’ve always talked about doing that.”
“Not like this! I meant like in one of my romance novels.”
“Oh, I know it’s not ideal but it’s what has to be done.” Licking her lips nervously she pulled on her pendant and started sliding back and forth on its chain. “Maybe I should have never taken that package in the first place, I don’t know anymore! We tried so hard to get a hold of that book. We really did but . . .” She sighed. Lee leaned back against the doorframe and squeezed his eyes shut. But your partner failed you. The voice inside him was screaming and he was suddenly anxious to escape the scene. She didn’t need him hanging around. He only brought her pain. The clap of thunder and rolling clouds only added to his dreary outlook.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard
He swallowed down the burning liquid and sighed in relief. It was only his first drink but it was a start. He chose this bar because not only was it near his apartment, it was usually empty at this time of night. Peace and quiet--that’s what he needed.
“Hi! How are you doing?”
Lee glanced over to find a short, bald man with round glasses standing at the edge of the bar smiling broadly at him.
Lee nodded ambiguously at the man and returned his focus to his drink.
“The name’s Edward Mulligan. You look like you could use another. Can I buy you a drink?”
“Thanks, I’m good.” He just wanted to be left alone. Was that too much to ask? Hopefully this guy would get the hint.
“I’m a pretty good listener.” Mr. Oblivious motioned for the bartender. “A Miller Lite and whatever this fine young man is having.”
“Really, that’s not necessary.”
“Oh, I insist.” He grabbed his beer and moved over to sit down in the stool next to Lee while Lee eyed the bartender refilling his glass. “You have family?” The little man didn’t even wait for Lee to respond before diving into his obviously memorized sales pitch. “Life throws us curves when we least expect it. You wouldn’t want to leave the little woman to raise the kids while trying to make ends meat. It’s hard enou—”
“Listen, I don’t –”
“Oh, I hear it all the time. No one ever thinks it’ll happen to them.” He took a sip of his beer and started in again. “For as little as a dollar a day you can have the peace of mind . . .” Lee zoned out and took another swig of his Scotch. By the time he had finished his second glass of the night the pushy salesman seemed to be at the end of his speech.
“ . . . so you see, it’s little cost for so much coverage. What do you think? Are you ready to plan for the future?” He looked at Lee wide-eyed.
He had finally had enough and exploded. “Look, Pal! I’m a loner! Got it? I’ve got no one! Nada! Zilch! So get out of my face with your . . . ‘family planning’ crap! The bartender was out from behind the bar in a matter of seconds when things started to heat up but Lee assured him he was fine and wouldn’t be any more trouble. The pushy salesman was rushing out the door before Lee could blink. A look of terror etched on his face as he glanced back at an annoyed Lee.
Lee settled back down on the uncomfortable stool and tried to act like he was interested in the sports highlights playing on the television in front of him. Like a child afraid of being punished, he sat quietly trying to go unnoticed.
A couple Scotch’s later he was less worried about getting thrown out. “Come on! What’s a guy gotta do around here to get a drink?” Lee tapped the empty glass on the damp bar in frustration and watched as it slid into the others that had gone before.
“Are you sure you need another one, Buddy?” The young bartender stood before him with concern in his eyes as a bottle of Scotch hovered over a fresh clean glass.
Lee licked his dry lips and grasped the edge of the bar. “I’m not your ‘buddy’. And yeah, I’m sure of one thing and that’s that I need another drink. Several more, actually. So be a pal and keep ‘em coming. In fact . . .” Lee grabbed a hold of the bottle as the nervous bartender clutched it in his hand. Under the influence or not, Lee could still stare down anyone. Reluctantly the younger man let go allowing Lee to slam it down in front of him. He threw a wad of cash on the bar and topped off his glass.
Swallowing down a small burp he took a big gulp of the amber liquid and glanced around the nearly empty room. Convinced he didn’t have an audience he slumped back down on the padded stool and continued to nurse his new best friend.
The bartender shook his head and removed the empty glasses sitting in front of Lee, leaving him to wallow in private.
Lee wasn’t about to let some wet-behind-the-ears punk bartender stop him from having a few harmless drinks after a long day. It had been a stressful day. Wasn’t he entitled to relax and throw back a few? After all, he was in complete control. The little scuttle earlier in the evening with that pushy insurance salesman wasn’t his fault. The guy wouldn’t stop hounding him. How many times did he have to tell him? He didn’t want any damn insurance!
Several minutes later, Lee heard the bartender clear his throat. It was no small feat to lift his heavy eyes to see what the guy wanted now. Lee raised a brow. “Should I bring another glass?” Lee looked down at his half-full glass and then up at the bartender in confusion. It was then that he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and a hand on his forearm.
He didn’t need to turn around to know whose hand it was. Young though he may have been, Lee had to hand it to the guy he was perceptive and took his leave. Throwing back the remaining Scotch in his glass, he started to pour another but was stopped by the ‘suburban albatross’ when she snatched the bottle from him.
“Give it back, Amanda!” He reached for it but she pulled it out of his reach and began pouring. When he finally looked at her, really looked at her, he saw what the stress of the past few days had done to her. Her usual sun-kissed skin now seemed washed out and a wrinkle had taken up residence on her forehead.
“We need to talk, Lee.”
“This is a bar. You drink in a bar!” He reached for the bottle again but she was still too quick for him.
Amanda slid the empty glass over and painstakingly filled the glass. When she was done she made sure to keep the bottle out of his reach and licked her thumb before picking up the glass and throwing back its contents.
She burst into a coughing fit and Lee stumbled to pat her on the back but was quickly waved off. “I’m okay. Thanks.” She sputtered.
“What are you doing?” This wasn’t Amanda. She rarely drank and never the hard stuff. Not unless she was held up in a cabin with Russian spies. No, she was up to something.
“I’m drinking. You said you wanted to drink. I want to talk, but I’ll drink until you’re ready to talk.” Determinedly, she poured another drink and brought it to her lips and he watched her hesitate as if waiting for him to stop her. No such luck. He was calling her bluff.
After a moment she threw back the Scotch only this time she coughed harder, nearly falling off her stool.
“Okay! Okay!” He pushed the glass away from them. “You wanna talk? Fine! Let’s talk!” He ran his hand roughly through his hair and pulled her over to a corner booth. If she wanted to talk he was going to give her an earful. As she made her way over to the corner booth he covertly snatched the bottle and glass off bar before following her over.
After sliding his bounty onto the veneer tabletop, Lee threw himself into the booth not even waiting for her to slide in on the other side. “What are you doing here, Amanda? How did you even find me?”
“I was on my way to your apartment and I saw your car parked out front.”
“So you decided to just stop in for a chat?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. You were so upset earli—”
“I wasn’t upset!” He shouted but quickly took a deep breath calm himself. “I was frustrated that we lost the manuscript. It’s just another case, Amanda. That’s all!” She was shaking her head before he even finished his sentence. “What? Why are you doing that?”
“You don’t believe that. If you did you wouldn’t be sitting in this dark empty bar drowning your sorrows. You heard Billy after our debriefing. Dr. Smith gave us 24-hours to find Sleece’s partner and the manuscript.” She looked at her watch. “And we only have another 17 hours. Otherwise, that’s it. No more Scarecrow and Mrs. King.” She stared at him expectantly.
“Is that such a bad thing?” Her mouth opened to protest but he held up his hand to stave off her dispute. “Just listen to me. You can start over, Amanda. No more putting your life on the line. No more bullets. No more lies. Your family knows the truth. I know they are upset now but they’ll get over it and then you can start fresh. You don’t need the Agency or me constantly pulling you away from them. No,” he shook his head. “This is a good thing for everyone concerned. You should go home, Amanda.” He swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat as he watched the energy drain from the woman before him.
As Lee reached for the half empty bottle of Scotch she slid it out of his reach, her eyes locked on him the entire time. If she thought she was going to win this . . . game, she was sadly mistaken. He scooted closer to her, deftly trying to ignore the sweet aroma of her perfume. “Hand me the bottle, Amanda.” She shook her head defiantly.
He moved closer still. Even in a smoke-filled room he could smell her--she was like rain on a hot summer day. The closer he got to her the more out of control he felt. “Fine! I’ll just get the bartender to bring over . . .” He caught a glimpse of the bartender speaking quite intimately with a young girl at the other end of the bar and sighed. Amanda saw it too and smiled triumphantly.
The sly approach hadn’t worked perhaps he should try a more direct route. He stretched behind her with his left arm and grabbed her wrist that held the bottle. It wasn’t until Amanda cleared her throat that he noticed his close proximity to her. He loosened his grip on her arm only to slide his hand around her waist. Her sweet neck was just inches away. Her lips and mouth . . . were moving. He mentally shook the thoughts from his head and tried to focus on the words.
“Lee.” One word, but spoken with such need. When his focus moved from her lips to her mouth he saw the need there as well. Her voice was as soft as a caress. “Lee, how can you tell me to go? We both know you want me to stay.” She bit her lip. “I want to stay.” It was either the blood pounding in his ears or the large consumption of alcohol that drowned out the voice that normally screamed for him to stop when he thought of kissing Amanda, it didn’t matter. He was going to kiss her. Damn the consequences.
Pressing his lips to hers he finally gave into the tension that had been building over the past few days. He cradled her head in his hands and proceeded to kiss her senseless. All control was gone. All thoughts . . . gone. He knew only one thing; he needed to kiss this woman.
Her mouth was so soft, so pliant beneath his. “Lee,” she softly moaned his name as he kissed his way down her neck and back up to her mouth. He had never heard her sound like that. She sounded so—. A crash sounded from somewhere in the bar. Lee jumped back, leaving a slightly bewildered Amanda in his wake. The bartender was sheepishly bending down to retrieve some now shattered object off the floor.
Amanda was still half-clinging to him and Lee not so carefully extracted himself from her grip. Like a blast of cold air, the crash had re-awoken his brain and reminded him of what he needed to do. He should be pushing her out of his life not pulling her in. Light smoldered in her gold-flecked eyes as they locked on his. She was so beautiful. So smart. Resourceful. Loving. Let her go, Lee. Don’t let her end up like Dorothy. The voice was back. Taunting him. He felt as if his stomach had just sprung a trapdoor.
Lee suddenly released his hold on her, leaving a very confused looking Amanda sitting across from him. The silence loomed between them like a heavy mist. What had he been thinking kissing her like that? He was supposed to be convincing her he didn’t want anything to do with her. If that’s what it would take to keep her safe he’d have to do it.
Amanda hadn’t said a word. She just sat there staring at him. Waiting. Lee’s mind was spinning as he grabbed the bottle of Scotch and poured himself a double.
“Lee,” she whispered as if frightened of his response.
He threw back the drink before answering. “Amanda, I’m sorry. It was the alcohol. It didn’t mean anything.”
“It didn’t mean anything?”
“No. I had too much to drink and got carried away. You know my reputation. ‘Scarecrow chases anything in a skirt’.”
“Right, so you didn’t feel anything when you kissed me?” She asked skeptically.
“Nope,” he shook his head. “Nothing.” He swallowed nervously. She didn’t believe him. He had to make her believe him to ensure her future. His fists tightened at his sides and he pressed on. “I just thought since this will be your last night in town, perhaps I could add you to my little black book.”
A momentary look of sadness crossed her face before her jaw tensed. “It was less painful that time you slapped me and we both know that wasn’t any more real than . . . this was. Be sure to take a cab home, Lee.” Grabbing her purse she slid out of the booth and strode to the door.
Lee silently watched her leave. His mind telling him to let her go yet his heart was screaming to make her stay. Legs numb, he sat with his head in his hands wondering what he’d done to deserve this curse.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
“Goodbye, Scarecrow. Be sure to tell Lee I’ll miss him.” He winced inwardly realizing Amanda now saw him as the man everyone believed him to be. That knowledge twisted and turned inside him. It didn’t matter what the others thought of him . . . He couldn’t bear to see the reflection of him self in her eyes and quietly shut the door.
“Goodbye, Amanda,” he whispered. He knew then that no matter what happened, he needed to stay out of her life. He owed her that much.
Lee stared longingly at his wet bar, wanting to get as drunk as Amanda thought he was, thankfully the phone distracted him.
“Hello?”
“Scarecrow, do you have any idea how much you owe me for interrupting my evening to interrogate Sleece again? Do you know who I was with last night?”
“Yes, I do and from what I hear his ‘backgammon game’ doesn’t last long. So, you should be thanking me.”
“When you have a bank account as large as his, it doesn’t matter.”
“I’ll take your word for it. What did you find out?” Lee knew one thing for sure he didn’t have time to listen to Francine’s diatribe that no doubt ended with her saving the world from certain destruction.
“I told you that technique I used in Singapore in ’81 would have worked if you hadn’t have interrupted. It worked like a charm this time. I was able to extract some very interesting information from our troublesome extortionist.”
“Yeah. Yeah. Before you go tooting your own horn, let’s hear what you have.” Lee’s patience was growing thin.
“I’ll tell you on the way to the airport. We’re booked on a four o’clock flight to Rio. I’ll swing by and pick you up in an hour.”
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
Three days later . . .
“Amanda, have you seen the dining room box with your grandmother’s good silver in it? I thought I marked it ‘books’.” Mother yelled from the dining room.
“Why would you label the dining room box ‘books’?” Amanda stood in the cluttered kitchen absently emptying the large box marked ‘kitchen’.
“Don’t you remember that story on the news not too long ago about movers stealing valuables? I would just feel awful if we lost my mother’s silver.”
“Mother! The agency packed our things. Do you honestly think they would steal something from us?” Amanda shook her head in disbelief as she tossed items into the barren cupboard.
“Well, you never know. I’m certain they’re not all as nice as that Mr. Melrose who came by the hideout to tell us it was all over.”
“Safe house, Mother. It was a safe house.” She could feel her mother’s eyes boring into the back of her head but continued tossing items into the cupboard to the left of the sink.
“Well, if you ask me, you spies spend too much time worrying about codenames and not enough time catching the bad guys.”
Amanda nodded knowing there was no changing her mother’s mind on the subject.
“Amanda dear, do you realize you just put the oven mitts into the cupboard with the canned goods? What has got you so preoccupied? You hardly spoke at dinner and now you’re so scatter-brained. I would think you’d be feeling on top of the world since this mess is all behind us.” Amanda moved around her mother to return the oven mitts to their rightful home but felt her mother’s grasp on her forearm. “It is all behind us, isn’t it?”
The worried look her mother was giving her made her cringe. Things were finally becoming normal again but she still felt guilty for all the lies and trouble she had put her family through. During their family meeting the night before they had all assured her they understood why she couldn’t tell them about the Agency. That didn’t mean they weren’t hurt by the deceptions of her double life.
“Yes, it’s all behind us now.” Amanda patted her mother’s hand and grabbed a small box off the island. The sooner she returned her home to normal the sooner she could get back to work. An inner torment began to gnaw at her when she thought of what it would be like to return to the Agency knowing Lee didn’t want her in his life. Would he refuse to work with her and ask Mr. Melrose to assign her to another agent? Could she work with someone else? The only alternative would be to resign and then she’d never see Lee. She’d face a safe . . . boring future.
Amanda sighed. “I know I’ve put you and the boys through a lot over the past week and I’m very sorry. Things will be different around here. No more lying and no more late night vanishings.” Amanda caught herself peering out the kitchen window knowing he wouldn’t be there but still hoping he’d suddenly pop up. If he couldn’t bother to come by the temporary safe house to tell her they had found the manuscript, what made her think he’d show up now—almost two days later?
Maybe she should drive by his place. Perhaps he was too embarrassed to come by on his own. He was just waiting for her to break the ice . . . No. She had certainly given him enough opportunities to be honest about his feelings for her and in return he’d made his feelings perfectly clear; not only did he want her out of the Agency but out of his personal life as well. Her stomach twisted as his final words echoed in her head. “Go live your life. We’ll both be better off.” They cut her like a knife and he made sure to twist it deeper.
“All right, Darling that does it for me tonight. I think I’m going to go soak in a nice hot bath.” She rubbed her neck. “I never want to move again!”
“I promise, no more moving.” Amanda tried to smile but was sure it didn’t quite make it to her face. “Enjoy your bath, Mother.”
“You know whatever or whoever it is that has you so upset . . . I’m sure it will all work itself out.” She kissed Amanda on the cheek and tenderly rubbed her back. “Goodnight, Darling. Be sure to lock up.” She turned gingerly and made her way up the stairs.
“I will. Goodnight.” Amanda wished she could be as hopeful about her future as her mother was. Even after Lee hadn’t shown up with Billy at the safe house, she still held the hope that he was too busy interrogating the extortionists. But when two days had passed and still no Lee, it was obvious that he wanted nothing to do with her. As if he hadn’t proven that to her when he let her walk out of his apartment knowing that would quite possibly be the last time he’d see her. She thought for sure when push came to shove he’d finally admit what she knew in her heart to be true. He was either too stubborn to admit it or . . . Lee really didn’t love her.
Her breath was shallow, her senses drugged. She needed fresh air. Grabbing her purse and car keys, she was nearly out the back door when she thought better of it and put them both back down on the island. She needed to give him space. He was certainly aware of her feelings—it was up to him now. She wouldn’t beg. Amanda reopened the back door and slid out into the backyard. If she couldn’t see him she could at least be surrounded by memories.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
Amanda’s first thought when she saw him sitting in the gazebo was that she was hallucinating. But then he looked up and his hazel eyes held a sorrow that she’d never dreamed possible. She wanted to go to him, wrap her arms around him and make all the bad disappear. Instead, she stood in the doorframe with her hands in the pockets of her jeans staring back at him. It was then that she noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the gray haze of his skin. It was apparent that he too had had a rough couple of days. Mr. Melrose hadn’t confirmed that Lee was the one who had found Sleece’s partner and the manuscript but she figured as much. Now seeing his hollowed face, she was certain of it.
When neither said a word after a few minutes she moved inside to sit beside him being sure to leave a safe distance between them.
“Hi,” his voice was gravelly as if he’d been up all night.
“Hi,” she squeaked. Amanda squeezed her eyes shut trying to calm her nerves. He’d always been the one to rescue her but now he was the one person she feared most. When she had tried to open up to him, come clean, he shut her down. She wouldn’t allow herself to be hurt again. “Why are you here?” She asked curtly.
Lee cleared his throat as a look of discomfort crossed his face. He shrugged his shoulders and rubbed his hands on his thighs several times and she couldn’t help but watch in fascination at his obvious nervousness. Amanda could count on one hand the number of times she’d seen Lee Stetson nervous, which only served to make her more nervous.
“Getting settled back in?” He motioned toward the house.
She nodded as she bit her lip until it throbbed like her pulse. The ease that she normally felt when they were together was no longer there. An awkward silence was left in its place. What she wouldn’t give to have this week erased from their lives – to go back to being friends and partners. “You were the one that found the book.” She spoke confidently, knowing he couldn’t deny it.
“Yeah.” He stood up and began pacing the small floor of the gazebo nervously.
“How? Why? I thought you would have been glad to be rid of me.” She watched as his shoulders sagged forward at her last comment. She had hit a nerve.
“Francine . . . she interrogated Sleece again.” Amanda glared at him skeptically and he continued. “I asked her to. I couldn’t just give up and Billy wouldn’t let me anywhere near him after my last attempt at ‘talking’ to him.” She nodded remembering seeing Lee physically pulled off Harriman’s book agent who sat scared to death in the Agency detention room.
“Amanda, I came by to talk about . . . well what happened between us--things that were said and not said . . . by me.” He roughly ran his hand through his hair and took in a big gulp of air before slowly letting it out.
Amanda crossed and uncrossed her feet, both afraid and anxious to hear what he would say.
He stared at her, and she could see the battle raging inside him. He parted his lips as if to say something, but then closed them again, his sharp eyes looking past her as if trying to gain some composure.
“Lee –”
He sat back down next to her, this time closer. “No, I need to say what I was . . . too afraid to say when you came by my apartment.” He picked up her hand and held it in his, rubbing it gently with his thumb. “You will never know how much it killed me to push you away. I . . . I thought you would be better off without me in your life. Before I came along you were safe. Your family was safe.”
“You kept us safe.” She interjected.
“You’d be better off without me. But the thing is I realized I wouldn’t be better without you. I thought I was doing the right thing letting you walk away but, thanks to you, I know I deserve to be happy.” His faint smile held a touch of sadness.
She nodded as she brought his hand to her mouth and placed a gentle kiss on his palm.
“I’m a selfish bastard, Amanda! With my past I don’t have the right to ask you to stay but without you I don’t think I can make it. I want to be the man you see.” His thumb was now caressing her cheek and tracing her lips. “I’m selfish for pushing you away and I’m even more selfish for wanting you to stay. The fact is . . . I need you in my life, Amanda.” He gazed at her with a look of hope and anticipation.
Tears blinding her eyes and choking her voice she swallowed hard and cleared her throat. “You . . . need me?” She pulled his hand from her cheek and gently laid it on his knee, rubbing it gently.
“Amanda—”
“I’m just not sure I can trust my feelings, Lee. I’ve tried so hard to push through the walls you’ve built up over the years and just when I finally felt like they were crumbling – up they came again.” He reached for her hand but she pulled it away. “You let me walk out that door thinking that you didn’t care, knowing that it could very well be the last time we ever spoke.”
“I wouldn’t have let that happen. When you found me at the bar I realized that I had given up. On you . . . and me.” She stared at the floor, not trusting herself to stay focused. “I went home and called Francine to start the interrogation again. We worked all night on the few leads we had and that’s why when you found me the next afternoon it appeared I was a bit uh . . . worse for wear.”
Amanda’s head snapped up in disbelief. “You weren’t drinking?”
“No. But I sure needed one after you left. I wanted to stop you from leaving but my instincts said to let you go—that you’d be better without me endangering your life.”
“Well, it wasn’t the first time your instincts have been wrong and I’m sure it won’t be the last.” She smiled at his surprised look trying to let him know she was beginning to understand.
“Cute.” He grinned as he played with the collar of her shirt. “I would have been here sooner but we had to fly back from South America. Seems our guy wanted to get a suntan while he shopped around for buyers.” He shook his head in disbelief.
“We?” She had assumed he rushed off on his own like he normally did.
“Yeah, Francine helped me work the case in Rio. She really worked her tail off. But then she had a good reason . . .”
“A lot of lives were at stake.” Amanda nodded in understanding.
“Yeah, including hers. Chapter 3, page 135 talks about a certain blonde agent taking cooking lessons."
“Oh! Poor, Francine!” She giggled. “Well, alls well that ends well.”
“Not quite.” He moved forward staring into her eyes and brushed his lips against her mouth before pulling back slowly. “This case isn’t over yet.” He nuzzled her neck and she could barely focus on what he was saying.
“It’s not?” She smiled and shut her eyes at the sensation his mouth was creating.
When he didn’t answer she opened her eyes to find him gazing at her and shaking his head. “Oh, no. I need to debrief you.”
“Really?” She giggled at his flirtatiousness. “Well, how long do you think it will take?”
“A lifetime.”
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories
The End
Timeline: AU / Late Third Season. What if Double Agent occurred in third season rather than second?
Summary: Will memories be all Lee has left of Amanda?
Author's Notes: Special thanks to Sarah McLachlan and her song "I Will Remember You" for the inspiration and to Robert Bielak who wrote the episode Double Agent.
Prologue
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
“Hi there.” She dipped her head to try to make eye contact with her weary partner who was sprawled out on his couch. After knocking several times without a reply she had finally let herself in. He’d called in sick earlier that morning—the bottle of whisky now clutched in his hand was a clear indication where his ailments stemmed from. Mr. Melrose had finally given in and allowed her to go look for him, but not before she‘d agreed to take protection. That protection was now standing outside Lee’s apartment door. She only hoped Agent Brawer wouldn’t overhear the coming conversation.
“Amanda, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in hiding.” His voice was gravelly and irritated. Seeing the dark circles under his eyes, it was obvious he hadn’t gotten any sleep last night. He was still wearing his suit from the day before, sans his tie and jacket. His once crisp white shirt was now wrinkled and un-tucked haphazardly.
Amanda sighed and then coughed when the stale stench of the room flooded her nostrils. It smelled like a brewery. She pulled back the drapes and opened the window. Fresh air would be a good start. “Well, I was on my way to the temporary safe house, but my partner didn’t come to say goodbye,” she threw over her shoulder as she opened the second window. “So, I thought I’d come see if he was all right.” She walked back over to him on the couch and tried to help him up but was waved off.
“Why wouldn’t I be all right? And, I liked those closed.” He squinted toward the drapes and then rubbed his face, no doubt to block out the sunlight. “I’m not the one whose life is about to completely change. They’ll just give me a new codename and ship me off to some other agency. It’ll be ‘same old, same old’ for me.”
She swallowed down the lump that formed in her throat and bit her bottom lip. After all this time, he still thought of her as just a nuisance—a problem he had to deal with. Last night was just a mistake to him, a chink in the armor.
“Yeah, I guess it will. You know, I thought that after nearly three years I meant more to you than ‘resident nuisance’. I thought we were friends, Lee.” When he didn’t reply she dejectedly grabbed the empty bottles and glasses, intent on taking them to the kitchen, but Lee yanked them out of her hands and threw them back on the coffee table. Amanda jumped as the bottles crashed against one another.
“We were . . . are friends, Amanda.” He finally looked at her and as if frightened by what he saw, hastily turned away. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now.”
And as quickly as that, the walls were back up.
“Well, tell me, Lee. When will be a good time? This is it!” When he made no attempt at speaking, she continued. “Oh, right.” She nodded her head in disgust. “When things get too emotional, the infamous Scarecrow has to run away. Heaven forbid he might care about someone besides himself!”
“What’s the point? They just leave.” He took a swig out of the whiskey bottle. He’d divested himself of all the Scotch prior to her arrival by the sight of the empty bottles. “They all leave . . . even you.”
“So that’s it? You push your way into my life, turn it upside down, and then walk away?” Her heart was pounding and she was certain he could hear it.
“I don’t have a choice, Amanda! I tried to keep you out of this godforsaken business! But, oh no, you wouldn’t listen. You never listened!” He jabbed his finger toward her and then ran his hand roughly through his hair as he paced behind the sofa. “And now look at your future. I’ve made sure you and your family will never have a normal life again.” He staggered over and dropped into the chair. His head was now cradled in his hands in self-pity.
“Hold it right there, Buster!” Amanda sat on the coffee table and placed her hand on his knee trying to get his attention. “You didn’t do anything. I chose this life. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I don’t have any regrets. I did what I had to do, and I’d do it all over again. Well, maybe I have one regret . . .” She moved her hand to his forearm trying to convey her thoughts as she lightly caressed him. They had been getting closer over the past few months. And no matter how drunk he was last night, that kiss meant something. Or, at least, she thought it had. No, she was certain she saw it in his eyes. He cared deeply for her. It didn’t matter what he tried to play off now, he was in pain as sure as she was.
Lee snatched his arm away and abruptly stood, nearly knocking her over. “You need to go—”
“You aren’t even going to try to be the man you could be?” she asked indignantly. She’d tried playing things his way but no more. This was her last chance. Their last chance. If she walked out that door she’d never see him again. He’d never know how she really felt. She shook her head in determination. “You may be afraid to tell me how you feel but I want . . . no, I need you to know how I feel. “Lee, you are so special to me. I can’t lea—”
“No! Just go, Amanda.” The coldness in his voice startled her. “I told you once before: I’m poison. Go live your life. We’ll both be better off.” He opened the door and nodded to the agent. As almost an afterthought, he quietly added. “Be happy.”
Amanda lightly touched her hand to his chest. She gazed into his glazed eyes and saw ‘Scarecrow’ staring back at her. It was amazing how quickly the Lee of old had returned. Those eyes belonged to the cold, distant loner she’d met on that train platform years before. There would be no breaking through those walls today--it took nearly three years the first time. She wouldn’t be hurt anymore. “Goodbye, Scarecrow. Be sure to tell Lee I’ll miss him.” Holding back the tears that threatened to fall, she bit the inside of her cheek. She would not let him see her;’ cry.
His eyes furrowed at her comment and when it seemed the realization of her statement had hit, he immediately looked down to the floor.
Amanda stood on the other side of his door stunned and shaking in disbelief. This was it. She’d leave and they’d never see each other again. Her life of danger, excitement, and intrigue was over. It would soon only be a distant memory. If only Lee would be so easy to forget. One lone tear cascaded down her cheek as she watched the door close. “Goodbye, Lee.” she whispered.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
Three days earlier . . .
Stepping off the elevator, Amanda quickly spied Lee heading into the bullpen and called out to him. “Lee, I was just at home watching The Arlene Francis Show with Mother. Lee, there was a man on there, a former agent! He’s going—”
“To expose the Agency. I know.” He pulled her out of the high traffic of the hallway to just inside the entrance of the bullpen.
“Oh, of course, you already know. So you have a plan to stop him?” She sighed in relief. Of course he did. He never let her down.
“No.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Oh.” She grimaced.
“Listen, Amanda—”
“Lee, did you hear what he said? ‘Operation Sandstorm.’ That was me!”
“I remember . . .” He ran his hand over his face roughly. “We all remember!”
“Ooh,” she groaned at the painful reminder of her earlier ineptitude.
“Don’t worry about it; that was a long time ago. Look, we’ll go talk to Billy and see what he has to say. Okay?” Lee squeezed her hand and smiled.
“Okay.” He guided her to Billy’s office and found him on the phone, a look of boredom etched across his face. Amanda slumped into the open chair and watched as Lee paced the small path to the left of Billy’s desk. Lost in thought, she jumped when she heard the deep voice of her boss.
“Good morning, Amanda.”
She sat up straighter. “Morning, Sir.”
Billy walked around his desk and leaned on the edge in front of Amanda. “Now, I know this is all very upsetting to you, Amanda.”
“Yes, it is. How are we going to stop this book from getting published?”
“We are doing everything we can.”
“Yes, Sir. Of course, Sir.” She stared at him waiting for the plan. “Like what, Sir?”
Francine sashayed into the room. “Legal is working on an injunction to stop the publication,” she stated matter-of-factly.
“What if that doesn’t work? I mean, do we have a Plan B?” Amanda looked up and found Francine staring blankly back at her.
Apparently there was no plan B.
Billy touched Amanda’s hand and she turned toward him. “You and your family will be taken care of, believe me.”
“Amanda, worst comes to worst, we’ll give you a new identity and move you to another part of the country,” Francine interjected.
“Oh no. Not in the middle of the school year!” Francine had no idea how big a deal it really was. It was hard enough to pack the family up for their annual camping trip, how the heck could she be expected to pack her entire family up and move them halfway across the country? And then expect them to understand that they’d have to leave their home and friends. Then there was their father. Oh what would they do about Joe? Would he come with them? Would they leave never to return to the life they knew? She cringed at the thought of trying to explain things to her mother. Looking up alarmingly at Lee, her eyes begged him to come up with a better plan.
“There are worse catastrophes,” Francine rolled her eyes.
Amanda opened her mouth to reply, but the phone on Billy’s desk rang. She was only able to give Francine a sharp glare before she heard him answer the call. “Melrose here.”
“Lee?” She whispered trying not to disturb her boss’ phone conversation.
“Hmm?”
“Maybe, if I just went and talked to Mr. Harriman myself—”
“No. Forget it, Amanda. I tried. Nothing I said made any difference.”
“Yes, but—”
“That was legal.” Billy slammed the receiver back onto its cradle. “The injunction was denied.”
“Great! Just great! When I talked to that S.O.B. this morning, he was so smug. He couldn’t wait to stick it to us because he screwed up and was sent to that jungle outpost!” Lee returned to the pacing he had started when they arrived.
“Sir? Would you let me talk to Mr. Harriman myself and let him see someone whose life would be completely ruined if he publishes this book? Please, Mr. Melrose?”
“Amanda . . .” Lee tried to quiet her but she had to try.
“Please, Sir?”
“I suppose it can’t hurt, and we’re running out of options.” Francine and Lee exchanged a look of disbelief.
“Billy! I’m telling you; it’s a waste of time. The guy will not budge. He doesn’t care that he’s endangering a lot of lives.”
“Then you must have a better idea?” Billy’s eyebrows raised in challenge.
Lee scratched his head in disgust. “Come on; I’ll drive.” Lee muttered in resignation.
“Thank you, Sir.” Amanda smiled gratefully and allowed Lee to escort her out of the room.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
“So they killed him and took the manuscript?” Billy asked and popped a couple antacids into his mouth.
“Yeah. No doubt to start a bidding war between us and the Russians.” Lee began to pace the small path between Billy’s desk and the window, with each pass glancing at Amanda’s rigid form sitting in the chair. She hadn’t said a word since they had found Harriman dead in his hotel room. The look in her eyes said that she knew what this meant and the repercussions it would have on their working relationship or, more importantly, her life and that of her family’s.
He didn’t want this. He wanted her to stay out of this business. If only she would have listened to him and walked away three years ago when he had warned her something like this could happen: ‘People in my business have years of training. It could get dangerous. Even worse, you could screw things up.’
She’d certainly screwed things up for him. Before she came along he had been quite content with his life. He had everything he ever wanted. He was happy with the ‘flavor of the week,’ happy to come home from a long day at work to an empty apartment. He cast his eyes on Amanda once more, but instead of seeing her sitting there he saw his former partner, Dorothy. Her brown eyes were pleading with him not to push her away. The past blended with the present and he was reminded of the argument he’d had with her days before her death.
Lee had warned her that he wasn’t good at long-term relationships. That she would be better off without him, but she’d had none of it. If she had only listened. But then, wasn’t the damage already done? Being involved with him was a curse. First his parents had died and then Dorothy. Hell, even his partner, Eric died because of him. He wouldn’t allow that to be Amanda’s fate.
History seemed to be repeating itself – his partner was in danger once again and the only common factor was . . . him. Everyone he had ever cared about had left him, and they always would.
Mentally shaking the past from his thoughts, his eyes drifted to the floor. She had heavily entrenched herself into his life, and he now saw full-force the effect he’d had on hers. Maybe starting a new life far away from him was what she needed. She would finally be safe—from him.
Just as Lee was having his epiphany, Francine burst through the door. “Well, it looks like they’ve got the Russians’ interest. One of my sources at the Russian Embassy says they are chomping at the bit to get a hold of this thing.” Francine’s eyes widened as she looked from Billy to Lee
Billy stood up and pounded his fist onto his desk. “We need to get a line on this guy. Get the word out that we’re looking to deal. I want that book!” When they all looked at him expectantly, he yelled, “Well, move!”
Lee rushed out the door, hoping to avoid a confrontation with Amanda but he wasn’t successful. Amanda caught him just outside Billy’s office door.
“Lee?”
“No, Amanda.” He held up his hand to stave off any argument she was planning.
“No?” She stared back at him with her mouth open.
“You’re not going with me.”
“But I might be able to help. Besides, I’m involved in this too. It’s my life that’s going to be exposed if we don’t get that book!”
“Along with a lot of other people’s! Amanda, for once, just do as I ask? You have enough to handle.” At her questioning look, he continued, “You probably should talk to your family about the possibility of . . . going into the relocation program.”
There, he’d said it. Perhaps now she’d see he was right all along: she didn’t belong in this business. She sighed deeply and shifted her feet. He was certain she was trying to come up with a viable reason to tag along. Why did she have to give him that sad look? He hated disappointing her but he had no choice.
Lee heard Billy clear his throat and turned around.
“She’s got a stake in this too, Scarecrow. Take her with you. She may be able to help.” Billy’s brow shot up in a challenge and Lee knew from experience not to argue.
Lee sighed. Once again he’d lost an argument to the housewife turned spy. This wasn’t his day. “Come on.”
“Thank you, Sir!” she exclaimed as Lee guided her toward the exit.
The usual bounce in her step had quickly returned and he had to smile at her typical enthusiasm in spite of himself. She took on each of their cases as if it was her first; the thought that this could possibly be their last was not lost on him as he pushed the button for the elevator. He almost regretted what he would have to do. Pushing her away would be the hardest thing he’d ever do.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
“A-man-da! There you are! Where have you been? And what do you mean they contacted you? How? When?” He rubbed his temples. He was starting to sound like her now. Agent Johnson hadn’t mentioned any of this when he called an hour ago. No. That bumbling idiot was too busy searching for excuses as to why he’d lost track of her after she rushed out of her house. They were supposed to be protecting her. He ushered her into his apartment and closed the door.
“Lee?”
He looked up to see her staring at him expectantly. “I’m sorry. What did you say?” He motioned for her to sit on the couch as she handed him her coat. “Please, sit.”
“I said, a man called around eight tonight. Anyway, he congratulated me on being the star of page ninety-one in The Suburban Spy. He said they tapped my phones, so I thought I better come over here instead of calling.”
“Do you realize that you lost Johnson? You weren’t supposed to shake him, Amanda. He was your protection.”
She shrugged innocently. “I didn’t try to lose him.”
Lee raked his fingers through his hair. Oh, he’d have to give Johnson a hard time for losing a civilian driving a station wagon. He’d never hear the end of it. That is, if he let him live.
“Lee, they gave Augie a list of instructions that said they will only deal with me. I have to follow the instructions precisely.” She handed him the envelope.
“No! Absolutely not, Amanda! Wait. Augie? You went and saw Augie? Tonight? Alone? What were thinking? You should have called me.”
“I’m sorry. The man on the phone told me to come alone and gave me barely enough time to drive there. Besides, they tapped my phone.” The look of remorse in her eyes flickered into what appeared to be disappointment. “Not to mention I thought the Agency had my line tapped as well. I had hoped you would have heard the conversation and met me out there.”
“Well, we didn't think they'd be contacting you personally.”
“Well, I guess you were wrong,” she quipped.
Lee opened his mouth to give a biting retort but realized she was right. They should have been more on top of things. Giving himself a mental shake he tried to focus on the instructions in his hands. He read through the list. “No way! Forget it, Amanda. You’re not doing this. This guy wants you to do the exchange. It’s way too dangerous!” He rubbed the back of his neck trying to relieve some of the tension that had settled there.
“Lee, I have to go! They said they’re watching my house and my family. If we don’t get that manuscript . . .” Her eyes pleaded with his.
Lee sat down beside her and patted her hand trying to calm her down. “I know. I know.” He had to get the book back! She scooted closer and laid her head on his shoulder. The floral scent of her shampoo was intoxicating. It would be so easy to kiss her. He wanted to kiss her. He was pretty certain she wanted him to kiss her too. He looked down to see brown eyes staring up at him.
He bolted off the couch and escaped to the other side of the room, staring blindly at the photos lining the mantle. He could not allow himself the luxuries of feelings right now. She needed him to find the book not contemplating kissing her soft lips and touching her silky skin. Lee pinched the bridge of his nose trying to gain some semblance of control. Damn you, Herriman! Feeling her soft touch on his shoulder he tensed but quickly recovered, keeping his back to her.
“Look, Amanda. I’m gonna get it back. Okay? Trust me. But I think it would be best if you let us handle this.”
Amanda cleared her throat. “Us? What do you mean, ‘us’?” She moved around to his right and looked to him expectantly but he refused to make eye contact. This was hard enough as it was without losing focus, which, he was sure to do if he looked her in the eye.
“I thought we were a team, Lee?” She slapped her fist against her thigh.
“Don’t you see? This is way too dangerous for you, for your family. My God, Amanda, don’t you get it? If I don’t get this back you’re going to be shipped to the middle of Iowa or some other god-forsaken place. You’ll be stripped of your identity; taken away from your friends, everything that makes you who you are, and not just you--Phillip, Jamie, your mother.” He could feel his jaw tensing and his pulse rapidly beating out of control but was helpless to stop it.
“Don’t you think I know that? It terrifies me to think that everything I’ve done over the past three years to make the world a safer place for my boys could be the one thing that tears their world apart?” She whipped around and stalked over to the large window taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly.
Lee watched her still form as she stood staring out to the street below, her arms wrapped protectively around her.
It was so quiet he could hear the hum of the refrigerator in the next room. Amanda, who always had something to say, was speechless. He remained behind her wanting, aching to touch her, but stopping himself. Control. “Do you want something to drink? I have some wine,” his voice cracked and he cleared his throat.
“No,” she whispered and then turned from the window looking deflated. “I need to go.” She walked toward the door.
“Amanda, I’m sorry . . .” he let his thought trail off, not sure what he wanted to say.
“No, don’t.” She held up her hand. “You have always been honest about your feelings—at least in regards to me being in this business. I had just hoped that after all that we’ve been through, you’d trust me more.” She shrugged on her coat and had her hand on the doorknob when she turned around to him abruptly. A look of determination was etched on her face. “I will be there tomorrow and I will see this to the end . . . whatever the outcome.” Without waiting for his response she left.
He swallowed the bile that threatened to rise. Scotch. He needed a scotch. Then he’d call Billy and fill him in.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
After staggering out of Lee’s place, Amanda drove aimlessly. Away from him or toward something, she wasn’t sure. He would never know how much he’d hurt her by pushing her away as if she was the fuzzy green stuff that she'd thrown out of his fridge. After all they’d been through together and he still felt he could do it alone. All the time and effort it took to break through his walls were for not. She slammed her hand on the steering wheel in frustration. “I’ll just have to prove to him that he does need me. We have to keep that manuscript out of the Russians’ hands or none of it will matter. We’ll be shipped to parts unknown.”
“But I think it would be best if you let us handle this.” She snarled. The nerve of that man! As if she were just some fresh recruit! If she had stayed out of half their past cases he’s told her to, he’d be dead! Where did he get off telling her to stay out of it? This was her life too! “He needs me and we both know it. He’s just too stubborn to admit it.” She’d show him. A plan formed in her mind. She’d have to talk to Mr. Melrose before Lee got a chance to talk him out of letting her do the ransom drop. With that decided she turned down a neighborhood street toward her home on Maplewood.
His harsh words once again invaded her thoughts. “ . . . You’ll be stripped of your identity; taken away from your friends, everything that makes you who you are, and not just you--Phillip, Jamie, your mother.” Amanda cringed. “What am I going to tell mother?” Catching her reflection in the rearview mirror she studied the woman staring back at her. “Mother, have you ever thought about moving?” She shook her head and glanced at the road in front of her. Too blunt. “You know, Mother, I’ve been thinking, maybe we could all use a change of scenery. I’ve heard Montana is nice.” She winced at the idiocy of it all. Her mother would see right through her.
Any further thoughts were cut short as she pulled into the driveway, nearly hitting Phillip’s bike in the process. Moments later she was tip toeing into the back door in hopes of finding everyone asleep.
“Amanda, is that you?”
No such luck. “Yes, Mother.” She tossed her keys and purse on the counter then grabbed the tea kettle and began filling it. Maybe tea would ease the pounding in her head. She rubbed her temple as she turned on the stove.
“What’s wrong, dear?” She jumped when she felt her mother’s arm on her shoulder.
“Oh, I barely missed hitting Phillip’s bike on my way in. He promised me he wouldn’t leave it in the middle of the driveway anymore after what happened to Jamie’s last time.”
“Well, he had a lot on his mind. It seems Linda Montez’s father is being transferred to North Dakota. You’d think it was the end of the world as we know it.” She harrumphed.
“Really?” Amanda saw her opening and dove in. “You know, we did a documentary on North Dakota a few months back, it seemed like a lovely place to live. Have you ever thought of moving someplace different, Mother?” Amanda poured two mugs of tea and handed one to her mother.
“Thank you, Darling. Yes, why just the other day I saw a beautiful colonial on Oak Terrace. It had the most adorable—”
“No, Mother. I meant a different state. Like, I don’t know . . . Montana? Or even North Dakota?” Amanda shrugged as if it was just a random conversation.
“Oh, Amanda, this is just a junior high crush. We can’t just pick up and move just because Phillip’s puppy dog crush is moving away. He’ll get over it, Dear. You can’t protect him from everything – he needs to experience the good and the bad in life. Besides, what would we do in North Dakota? It’s freezing there!” She shivered and scooted up the stairs. “Goodnight, Darling. Thanks for the tea.”
Amanda gulped down some tea and her shoulders slumped forward. She tried. She’d just have to be sure things didn’t go that far. She flipped off the lights in the kitchen and den and headed up to bed. She’d need a good night’s sleep if she was going to be in first thing in the morning to talk to Mr. Melrose before Lee.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
“A roaring fire, handcuffs, and just the two of us . . . I bet your old boyfriend, Don was never this romantic.
Amanda rolled her eyes and yanked a bit too hard on his belt.
“Hey! Watch it!”
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Lee, I can do this.” She fiddled at his belt again, being careful not to poke him further. Although, right now it might feel good to give him one good strategically placed jab.
“Is that what you told Billy at the crack of dawn this morning, that you could ‘handle’ this assignment?”
She kept her eyes on the task of removing his belt, but could feel his eyes burning into her. Why did he have to smell so good? Focus, Amanda!
As she slid her hand around his trim waist her finger slipped under the waistband of his slacks, barely grazing the smooth skin and he inadvertently shivered. Her eyes grew wide and nervously she moistened her dry lips.
“Amanda?” His voice was softer this time and he expelled a heavy breath.
She frantically pulled the belt through the final loop as her eyes met his warm stare. “I told you, I would see this through. I may not be the calm and collected agent that Francine is but . . .” She bit her bottom lip. “I can do this, Lee.”
As the sweat dripped down her back, the heat of the fire reminding her of the necessary urgency, she jammed the metal tongue of the belt into her handcuff. Why did the bad guys always have to make bad situations even worse? As if it wasn’t enough that they were handcuffed to a heavy piece of machinery in an empty warehouse, there had to be an out of control fire added to the mix. The boom of another barrel of fuel exploding a few feet away made her jump.
“I know, but –”
“And I meant it, Lee.” With one final twist of the metal she was free from the confines of the cuff. “Got it!”
“Good! Now get these things off me, huh? That fire’s getting a little too close!” It was the first time she realized he was sweating.
“Right!” She worked quickly to free him while trying to block out the pending doom the fire presented. “Almost . . . there.” The click of the lock snapping open was music to her ears.
“Okay, now I want you to get out of here and take ‘Sleeping Beauty’ with you.” He indicated the man beginning to stir on the floor. “Don’t let him of your sight. After the number his partner did on him I don’t think we’ll have to work too hard to get him to talk.”
Amanda nodded and stepped over to help the man up. She could hear the whoosh of the fire extinguisher drown out Lee’s footsteps as he hurried after the manuscript. The acrid smoke filled her lungs and the heavy air made it impossible to breathe. The heat spurred her into gear. But unfortunately, the other guy was still too woozy to give too much help. Amanda knew the importance of getting him to safety and in custody, especially if Lee was unsuccessful in finding his partner with the manuscript. The trip nearly took longer than she or her lungs could bear.
Moments later she was encircled by a swarm of agents who took custody of her ward leaving her free to go into the building to find Lee only to be stopped by a fireman.
Her heart thumped in her throat when she saw his soot-laden form escape the building. There eyes met as he shrugged indicating his own disappointment and she nodded in understanding, then smiled to reassure him. Rushing toward him, the dejected look in his eyes was haunting. She recognized that look;he felt he had failed her, the feeling was almost palpable. When she finally reached him, she threw her arms around him and he stiffened and pulled away. Feeling awkward, she handed him his belt. “Here you go. It’s a bit mangled but you could probably get it fixed.”
“Look Amanda, I’m going to need to stick around a while. Why don’t you have Billy take you back to the Agency?” With that he turned around and sauntered over to a group of fireman, leaving Amanda still holding his mangled belt.
Amanda sighed. One more layer of brick in his carefully crafted wall of defense.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
Lee couldn’t remember a time she looked so distraught. He was only getting snippets of the conversation but the occasional outburst from Dotty followed by the soft calming voice of Amanda made it clear she was telling her mother the truth about her secret life. The strain in her voice gave him proof of what he already knew—this was tearing Amanda up inside.
She always hated lying to her family, especially to her mother and now to come face to face with the effect of that deceit was killing her. He thought her knees were going to buckle when Phillip and Jamie ran upstairs in tears a few minutes earlier. A quick flash of the Colonel coming into his room to inform him they were being transferred yet again played before him. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone especially two innocent little boys.
His heart ached as he watched Amanda explain the past 3 years to her mother. She was falling all over herself trying to make Dotty understand. Couldn’t Billy have sent someone with her to help explain things? Of course, if Billy had, he himself might be inside sitting next to Amanda on the couch instead of out here on her back porch watching it all unfold. He couldn’t handle that right now. She needed a clean break from him--and him of her.
He squirmed in his hunkered down position near the French doors of the den. It was here that he’d determined he could pick up most of the conversation and still watch the occupants through the slight opening in the curtain. They had all started off in the kitchen immediately following dinner dishes but when Amanda had gotten into the heart of the matter they’d made their way to the couch. Dotty paced a bit before finally seeking refuge in the wing back chair next to the couch. Her body language screamed anger and hurt. His heart lurched for Amanda. She didn’t deserve this. The only thing she did wrong was trust him, and look what that got her.
Amanda’s anguished cry pulled him from his thoughts and he strained to hear. “ . . . Of course I thought about them! Mother, I know that you’re upset, but please understand that I truly hated lying to you. I wanted to tell you so many times but I just couldn’t.” Amanda tried to move closer to her mother but Dotty stood and turned away. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to go to Amanda--to comfort her. Thankfully he remembered he was the reason she was in this mess and stretched his legs before squatting back down again to listen.
Dotty turned around just as Amanda stood. “National security! Yes, you mentioned that. I’m your mother, young lady! How could you have this secret life and not tell me? Traipsing around God only knows where . . . playing spy. You’re a mother of two small boys!” She shook her head and folded her arms across her chest.
“Mother, please sit down.” Amanda reached for Dotty and Lee was relieved to see she didn’t pull away. That’s right, calm her down and then explain it to her, Amanda. If she could calm him down, she could certainly handle Dotty West.
“I know this is a lot to take all at once. I really did have the best intentions in joining the Agency. I’ve tried to make it a safer place for the boys and you.” The past few days seemed to have caught up with her. Her voice was gravely and he could now see dark circles under her eyes. God only knew when the last time she got a good night’s sleep was. She continued. “That day at the train station when that man asked for my help, I just couldn’t say no. His eyes –” Lee fought down a wave of apprehension at her words and strained to hear more but she never finished her thought. Why did he suddenly feel disappointed?
Dotty sucked in a breath and cupped her hand to her mouth as if she’d just had an epiphany. “That day you came home and rushed us off to Uncle Herman’s! You said there was a bomb . . .”
Amanda nodded. “I was telling the truth. I needed to know you and the boys would be safe.” He could only sit and watch as she wiped the tears from her face.
“Oh Amanda, how dangerous is this job? Have you ever been hurt? What’s going to happen to us in this ‘relocation program’ of yours? Dotty was now sitting next to her daughter clasping her hand.
Amanda’s longing gaze briefly fell on the kitchen window. “I’m well protected. No, not seriously hurt. And we’ll be sent to a new city and given new identities. It’ll be like starting over, Mother. You’ve always talked about doing that.”
“Not like this! I meant like in one of my romance novels.”
“Oh, I know it’s not ideal but it’s what has to be done.” Licking her lips nervously she pulled on her pendant and started sliding back and forth on its chain. “Maybe I should have never taken that package in the first place, I don’t know anymore! We tried so hard to get a hold of that book. We really did but . . .” She sighed. Lee leaned back against the doorframe and squeezed his eyes shut. But your partner failed you. The voice inside him was screaming and he was suddenly anxious to escape the scene. She didn’t need him hanging around. He only brought her pain. The clap of thunder and rolling clouds only added to his dreary outlook.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard
He swallowed down the burning liquid and sighed in relief. It was only his first drink but it was a start. He chose this bar because not only was it near his apartment, it was usually empty at this time of night. Peace and quiet--that’s what he needed.
“Hi! How are you doing?”
Lee glanced over to find a short, bald man with round glasses standing at the edge of the bar smiling broadly at him.
Lee nodded ambiguously at the man and returned his focus to his drink.
“The name’s Edward Mulligan. You look like you could use another. Can I buy you a drink?”
“Thanks, I’m good.” He just wanted to be left alone. Was that too much to ask? Hopefully this guy would get the hint.
“I’m a pretty good listener.” Mr. Oblivious motioned for the bartender. “A Miller Lite and whatever this fine young man is having.”
“Really, that’s not necessary.”
“Oh, I insist.” He grabbed his beer and moved over to sit down in the stool next to Lee while Lee eyed the bartender refilling his glass. “You have family?” The little man didn’t even wait for Lee to respond before diving into his obviously memorized sales pitch. “Life throws us curves when we least expect it. You wouldn’t want to leave the little woman to raise the kids while trying to make ends meat. It’s hard enou—”
“Listen, I don’t –”
“Oh, I hear it all the time. No one ever thinks it’ll happen to them.” He took a sip of his beer and started in again. “For as little as a dollar a day you can have the peace of mind . . .” Lee zoned out and took another swig of his Scotch. By the time he had finished his second glass of the night the pushy salesman seemed to be at the end of his speech.
“ . . . so you see, it’s little cost for so much coverage. What do you think? Are you ready to plan for the future?” He looked at Lee wide-eyed.
He had finally had enough and exploded. “Look, Pal! I’m a loner! Got it? I’ve got no one! Nada! Zilch! So get out of my face with your . . . ‘family planning’ crap! The bartender was out from behind the bar in a matter of seconds when things started to heat up but Lee assured him he was fine and wouldn’t be any more trouble. The pushy salesman was rushing out the door before Lee could blink. A look of terror etched on his face as he glanced back at an annoyed Lee.
Lee settled back down on the uncomfortable stool and tried to act like he was interested in the sports highlights playing on the television in front of him. Like a child afraid of being punished, he sat quietly trying to go unnoticed.
A couple Scotch’s later he was less worried about getting thrown out. “Come on! What’s a guy gotta do around here to get a drink?” Lee tapped the empty glass on the damp bar in frustration and watched as it slid into the others that had gone before.
“Are you sure you need another one, Buddy?” The young bartender stood before him with concern in his eyes as a bottle of Scotch hovered over a fresh clean glass.
Lee licked his dry lips and grasped the edge of the bar. “I’m not your ‘buddy’. And yeah, I’m sure of one thing and that’s that I need another drink. Several more, actually. So be a pal and keep ‘em coming. In fact . . .” Lee grabbed a hold of the bottle as the nervous bartender clutched it in his hand. Under the influence or not, Lee could still stare down anyone. Reluctantly the younger man let go allowing Lee to slam it down in front of him. He threw a wad of cash on the bar and topped off his glass.
Swallowing down a small burp he took a big gulp of the amber liquid and glanced around the nearly empty room. Convinced he didn’t have an audience he slumped back down on the padded stool and continued to nurse his new best friend.
The bartender shook his head and removed the empty glasses sitting in front of Lee, leaving him to wallow in private.
Lee wasn’t about to let some wet-behind-the-ears punk bartender stop him from having a few harmless drinks after a long day. It had been a stressful day. Wasn’t he entitled to relax and throw back a few? After all, he was in complete control. The little scuttle earlier in the evening with that pushy insurance salesman wasn’t his fault. The guy wouldn’t stop hounding him. How many times did he have to tell him? He didn’t want any damn insurance!
Several minutes later, Lee heard the bartender clear his throat. It was no small feat to lift his heavy eyes to see what the guy wanted now. Lee raised a brow. “Should I bring another glass?” Lee looked down at his half-full glass and then up at the bartender in confusion. It was then that he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and a hand on his forearm.
He didn’t need to turn around to know whose hand it was. Young though he may have been, Lee had to hand it to the guy he was perceptive and took his leave. Throwing back the remaining Scotch in his glass, he started to pour another but was stopped by the ‘suburban albatross’ when she snatched the bottle from him.
“Give it back, Amanda!” He reached for it but she pulled it out of his reach and began pouring. When he finally looked at her, really looked at her, he saw what the stress of the past few days had done to her. Her usual sun-kissed skin now seemed washed out and a wrinkle had taken up residence on her forehead.
“We need to talk, Lee.”
“This is a bar. You drink in a bar!” He reached for the bottle again but she was still too quick for him.
Amanda slid the empty glass over and painstakingly filled the glass. When she was done she made sure to keep the bottle out of his reach and licked her thumb before picking up the glass and throwing back its contents.
She burst into a coughing fit and Lee stumbled to pat her on the back but was quickly waved off. “I’m okay. Thanks.” She sputtered.
“What are you doing?” This wasn’t Amanda. She rarely drank and never the hard stuff. Not unless she was held up in a cabin with Russian spies. No, she was up to something.
“I’m drinking. You said you wanted to drink. I want to talk, but I’ll drink until you’re ready to talk.” Determinedly, she poured another drink and brought it to her lips and he watched her hesitate as if waiting for him to stop her. No such luck. He was calling her bluff.
After a moment she threw back the Scotch only this time she coughed harder, nearly falling off her stool.
“Okay! Okay!” He pushed the glass away from them. “You wanna talk? Fine! Let’s talk!” He ran his hand roughly through his hair and pulled her over to a corner booth. If she wanted to talk he was going to give her an earful. As she made her way over to the corner booth he covertly snatched the bottle and glass off bar before following her over.
After sliding his bounty onto the veneer tabletop, Lee threw himself into the booth not even waiting for her to slide in on the other side. “What are you doing here, Amanda? How did you even find me?”
“I was on my way to your apartment and I saw your car parked out front.”
“So you decided to just stop in for a chat?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. You were so upset earli—”
“I wasn’t upset!” He shouted but quickly took a deep breath calm himself. “I was frustrated that we lost the manuscript. It’s just another case, Amanda. That’s all!” She was shaking her head before he even finished his sentence. “What? Why are you doing that?”
“You don’t believe that. If you did you wouldn’t be sitting in this dark empty bar drowning your sorrows. You heard Billy after our debriefing. Dr. Smith gave us 24-hours to find Sleece’s partner and the manuscript.” She looked at her watch. “And we only have another 17 hours. Otherwise, that’s it. No more Scarecrow and Mrs. King.” She stared at him expectantly.
“Is that such a bad thing?” Her mouth opened to protest but he held up his hand to stave off her dispute. “Just listen to me. You can start over, Amanda. No more putting your life on the line. No more bullets. No more lies. Your family knows the truth. I know they are upset now but they’ll get over it and then you can start fresh. You don’t need the Agency or me constantly pulling you away from them. No,” he shook his head. “This is a good thing for everyone concerned. You should go home, Amanda.” He swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat as he watched the energy drain from the woman before him.
As Lee reached for the half empty bottle of Scotch she slid it out of his reach, her eyes locked on him the entire time. If she thought she was going to win this . . . game, she was sadly mistaken. He scooted closer to her, deftly trying to ignore the sweet aroma of her perfume. “Hand me the bottle, Amanda.” She shook her head defiantly.
He moved closer still. Even in a smoke-filled room he could smell her--she was like rain on a hot summer day. The closer he got to her the more out of control he felt. “Fine! I’ll just get the bartender to bring over . . .” He caught a glimpse of the bartender speaking quite intimately with a young girl at the other end of the bar and sighed. Amanda saw it too and smiled triumphantly.
The sly approach hadn’t worked perhaps he should try a more direct route. He stretched behind her with his left arm and grabbed her wrist that held the bottle. It wasn’t until Amanda cleared her throat that he noticed his close proximity to her. He loosened his grip on her arm only to slide his hand around her waist. Her sweet neck was just inches away. Her lips and mouth . . . were moving. He mentally shook the thoughts from his head and tried to focus on the words.
“Lee.” One word, but spoken with such need. When his focus moved from her lips to her mouth he saw the need there as well. Her voice was as soft as a caress. “Lee, how can you tell me to go? We both know you want me to stay.” She bit her lip. “I want to stay.” It was either the blood pounding in his ears or the large consumption of alcohol that drowned out the voice that normally screamed for him to stop when he thought of kissing Amanda, it didn’t matter. He was going to kiss her. Damn the consequences.
Pressing his lips to hers he finally gave into the tension that had been building over the past few days. He cradled her head in his hands and proceeded to kiss her senseless. All control was gone. All thoughts . . . gone. He knew only one thing; he needed to kiss this woman.
Her mouth was so soft, so pliant beneath his. “Lee,” she softly moaned his name as he kissed his way down her neck and back up to her mouth. He had never heard her sound like that. She sounded so—. A crash sounded from somewhere in the bar. Lee jumped back, leaving a slightly bewildered Amanda in his wake. The bartender was sheepishly bending down to retrieve some now shattered object off the floor.
Amanda was still half-clinging to him and Lee not so carefully extracted himself from her grip. Like a blast of cold air, the crash had re-awoken his brain and reminded him of what he needed to do. He should be pushing her out of his life not pulling her in. Light smoldered in her gold-flecked eyes as they locked on his. She was so beautiful. So smart. Resourceful. Loving. Let her go, Lee. Don’t let her end up like Dorothy. The voice was back. Taunting him. He felt as if his stomach had just sprung a trapdoor.
Lee suddenly released his hold on her, leaving a very confused looking Amanda sitting across from him. The silence loomed between them like a heavy mist. What had he been thinking kissing her like that? He was supposed to be convincing her he didn’t want anything to do with her. If that’s what it would take to keep her safe he’d have to do it.
Amanda hadn’t said a word. She just sat there staring at him. Waiting. Lee’s mind was spinning as he grabbed the bottle of Scotch and poured himself a double.
“Lee,” she whispered as if frightened of his response.
He threw back the drink before answering. “Amanda, I’m sorry. It was the alcohol. It didn’t mean anything.”
“It didn’t mean anything?”
“No. I had too much to drink and got carried away. You know my reputation. ‘Scarecrow chases anything in a skirt’.”
“Right, so you didn’t feel anything when you kissed me?” She asked skeptically.
“Nope,” he shook his head. “Nothing.” He swallowed nervously. She didn’t believe him. He had to make her believe him to ensure her future. His fists tightened at his sides and he pressed on. “I just thought since this will be your last night in town, perhaps I could add you to my little black book.”
A momentary look of sadness crossed her face before her jaw tensed. “It was less painful that time you slapped me and we both know that wasn’t any more real than . . . this was. Be sure to take a cab home, Lee.” Grabbing her purse she slid out of the booth and strode to the door.
Lee silently watched her leave. His mind telling him to let her go yet his heart was screaming to make her stay. Legs numb, he sat with his head in his hands wondering what he’d done to deserve this curse.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
“Goodbye, Scarecrow. Be sure to tell Lee I’ll miss him.” He winced inwardly realizing Amanda now saw him as the man everyone believed him to be. That knowledge twisted and turned inside him. It didn’t matter what the others thought of him . . . He couldn’t bear to see the reflection of him self in her eyes and quietly shut the door.
“Goodbye, Amanda,” he whispered. He knew then that no matter what happened, he needed to stay out of her life. He owed her that much.
Lee stared longingly at his wet bar, wanting to get as drunk as Amanda thought he was, thankfully the phone distracted him.
“Hello?”
“Scarecrow, do you have any idea how much you owe me for interrupting my evening to interrogate Sleece again? Do you know who I was with last night?”
“Yes, I do and from what I hear his ‘backgammon game’ doesn’t last long. So, you should be thanking me.”
“When you have a bank account as large as his, it doesn’t matter.”
“I’ll take your word for it. What did you find out?” Lee knew one thing for sure he didn’t have time to listen to Francine’s diatribe that no doubt ended with her saving the world from certain destruction.
“I told you that technique I used in Singapore in ’81 would have worked if you hadn’t have interrupted. It worked like a charm this time. I was able to extract some very interesting information from our troublesome extortionist.”
“Yeah. Yeah. Before you go tooting your own horn, let’s hear what you have.” Lee’s patience was growing thin.
“I’ll tell you on the way to the airport. We’re booked on a four o’clock flight to Rio. I’ll swing by and pick you up in an hour.”
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
Three days later . . .
“Amanda, have you seen the dining room box with your grandmother’s good silver in it? I thought I marked it ‘books’.” Mother yelled from the dining room.
“Why would you label the dining room box ‘books’?” Amanda stood in the cluttered kitchen absently emptying the large box marked ‘kitchen’.
“Don’t you remember that story on the news not too long ago about movers stealing valuables? I would just feel awful if we lost my mother’s silver.”
“Mother! The agency packed our things. Do you honestly think they would steal something from us?” Amanda shook her head in disbelief as she tossed items into the barren cupboard.
“Well, you never know. I’m certain they’re not all as nice as that Mr. Melrose who came by the hideout to tell us it was all over.”
“Safe house, Mother. It was a safe house.” She could feel her mother’s eyes boring into the back of her head but continued tossing items into the cupboard to the left of the sink.
“Well, if you ask me, you spies spend too much time worrying about codenames and not enough time catching the bad guys.”
Amanda nodded knowing there was no changing her mother’s mind on the subject.
“Amanda dear, do you realize you just put the oven mitts into the cupboard with the canned goods? What has got you so preoccupied? You hardly spoke at dinner and now you’re so scatter-brained. I would think you’d be feeling on top of the world since this mess is all behind us.” Amanda moved around her mother to return the oven mitts to their rightful home but felt her mother’s grasp on her forearm. “It is all behind us, isn’t it?”
The worried look her mother was giving her made her cringe. Things were finally becoming normal again but she still felt guilty for all the lies and trouble she had put her family through. During their family meeting the night before they had all assured her they understood why she couldn’t tell them about the Agency. That didn’t mean they weren’t hurt by the deceptions of her double life.
“Yes, it’s all behind us now.” Amanda patted her mother’s hand and grabbed a small box off the island. The sooner she returned her home to normal the sooner she could get back to work. An inner torment began to gnaw at her when she thought of what it would be like to return to the Agency knowing Lee didn’t want her in his life. Would he refuse to work with her and ask Mr. Melrose to assign her to another agent? Could she work with someone else? The only alternative would be to resign and then she’d never see Lee. She’d face a safe . . . boring future.
Amanda sighed. “I know I’ve put you and the boys through a lot over the past week and I’m very sorry. Things will be different around here. No more lying and no more late night vanishings.” Amanda caught herself peering out the kitchen window knowing he wouldn’t be there but still hoping he’d suddenly pop up. If he couldn’t bother to come by the temporary safe house to tell her they had found the manuscript, what made her think he’d show up now—almost two days later?
Maybe she should drive by his place. Perhaps he was too embarrassed to come by on his own. He was just waiting for her to break the ice . . . No. She had certainly given him enough opportunities to be honest about his feelings for her and in return he’d made his feelings perfectly clear; not only did he want her out of the Agency but out of his personal life as well. Her stomach twisted as his final words echoed in her head. “Go live your life. We’ll both be better off.” They cut her like a knife and he made sure to twist it deeper.
“All right, Darling that does it for me tonight. I think I’m going to go soak in a nice hot bath.” She rubbed her neck. “I never want to move again!”
“I promise, no more moving.” Amanda tried to smile but was sure it didn’t quite make it to her face. “Enjoy your bath, Mother.”
“You know whatever or whoever it is that has you so upset . . . I’m sure it will all work itself out.” She kissed Amanda on the cheek and tenderly rubbed her back. “Goodnight, Darling. Be sure to lock up.” She turned gingerly and made her way up the stairs.
“I will. Goodnight.” Amanda wished she could be as hopeful about her future as her mother was. Even after Lee hadn’t shown up with Billy at the safe house, she still held the hope that he was too busy interrogating the extortionists. But when two days had passed and still no Lee, it was obvious that he wanted nothing to do with her. As if he hadn’t proven that to her when he let her walk out of his apartment knowing that would quite possibly be the last time he’d see her. She thought for sure when push came to shove he’d finally admit what she knew in her heart to be true. He was either too stubborn to admit it or . . . Lee really didn’t love her.
Her breath was shallow, her senses drugged. She needed fresh air. Grabbing her purse and car keys, she was nearly out the back door when she thought better of it and put them both back down on the island. She needed to give him space. He was certainly aware of her feelings—it was up to him now. She wouldn’t beg. Amanda reopened the back door and slid out into the backyard. If she couldn’t see him she could at least be surrounded by memories.
SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK-SMK
I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
Amanda’s first thought when she saw him sitting in the gazebo was that she was hallucinating. But then he looked up and his hazel eyes held a sorrow that she’d never dreamed possible. She wanted to go to him, wrap her arms around him and make all the bad disappear. Instead, she stood in the doorframe with her hands in the pockets of her jeans staring back at him. It was then that she noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the gray haze of his skin. It was apparent that he too had had a rough couple of days. Mr. Melrose hadn’t confirmed that Lee was the one who had found Sleece’s partner and the manuscript but she figured as much. Now seeing his hollowed face, she was certain of it.
When neither said a word after a few minutes she moved inside to sit beside him being sure to leave a safe distance between them.
“Hi,” his voice was gravelly as if he’d been up all night.
“Hi,” she squeaked. Amanda squeezed her eyes shut trying to calm her nerves. He’d always been the one to rescue her but now he was the one person she feared most. When she had tried to open up to him, come clean, he shut her down. She wouldn’t allow herself to be hurt again. “Why are you here?” She asked curtly.
Lee cleared his throat as a look of discomfort crossed his face. He shrugged his shoulders and rubbed his hands on his thighs several times and she couldn’t help but watch in fascination at his obvious nervousness. Amanda could count on one hand the number of times she’d seen Lee Stetson nervous, which only served to make her more nervous.
“Getting settled back in?” He motioned toward the house.
She nodded as she bit her lip until it throbbed like her pulse. The ease that she normally felt when they were together was no longer there. An awkward silence was left in its place. What she wouldn’t give to have this week erased from their lives – to go back to being friends and partners. “You were the one that found the book.” She spoke confidently, knowing he couldn’t deny it.
“Yeah.” He stood up and began pacing the small floor of the gazebo nervously.
“How? Why? I thought you would have been glad to be rid of me.” She watched as his shoulders sagged forward at her last comment. She had hit a nerve.
“Francine . . . she interrogated Sleece again.” Amanda glared at him skeptically and he continued. “I asked her to. I couldn’t just give up and Billy wouldn’t let me anywhere near him after my last attempt at ‘talking’ to him.” She nodded remembering seeing Lee physically pulled off Harriman’s book agent who sat scared to death in the Agency detention room.
“Amanda, I came by to talk about . . . well what happened between us--things that were said and not said . . . by me.” He roughly ran his hand through his hair and took in a big gulp of air before slowly letting it out.
Amanda crossed and uncrossed her feet, both afraid and anxious to hear what he would say.
He stared at her, and she could see the battle raging inside him. He parted his lips as if to say something, but then closed them again, his sharp eyes looking past her as if trying to gain some composure.
“Lee –”
He sat back down next to her, this time closer. “No, I need to say what I was . . . too afraid to say when you came by my apartment.” He picked up her hand and held it in his, rubbing it gently with his thumb. “You will never know how much it killed me to push you away. I . . . I thought you would be better off without me in your life. Before I came along you were safe. Your family was safe.”
“You kept us safe.” She interjected.
“You’d be better off without me. But the thing is I realized I wouldn’t be better without you. I thought I was doing the right thing letting you walk away but, thanks to you, I know I deserve to be happy.” His faint smile held a touch of sadness.
She nodded as she brought his hand to her mouth and placed a gentle kiss on his palm.
“I’m a selfish bastard, Amanda! With my past I don’t have the right to ask you to stay but without you I don’t think I can make it. I want to be the man you see.” His thumb was now caressing her cheek and tracing her lips. “I’m selfish for pushing you away and I’m even more selfish for wanting you to stay. The fact is . . . I need you in my life, Amanda.” He gazed at her with a look of hope and anticipation.
Tears blinding her eyes and choking her voice she swallowed hard and cleared her throat. “You . . . need me?” She pulled his hand from her cheek and gently laid it on his knee, rubbing it gently.
“Amanda—”
“I’m just not sure I can trust my feelings, Lee. I’ve tried so hard to push through the walls you’ve built up over the years and just when I finally felt like they were crumbling – up they came again.” He reached for her hand but she pulled it away. “You let me walk out that door thinking that you didn’t care, knowing that it could very well be the last time we ever spoke.”
“I wouldn’t have let that happen. When you found me at the bar I realized that I had given up. On you . . . and me.” She stared at the floor, not trusting herself to stay focused. “I went home and called Francine to start the interrogation again. We worked all night on the few leads we had and that’s why when you found me the next afternoon it appeared I was a bit uh . . . worse for wear.”
Amanda’s head snapped up in disbelief. “You weren’t drinking?”
“No. But I sure needed one after you left. I wanted to stop you from leaving but my instincts said to let you go—that you’d be better without me endangering your life.”
“Well, it wasn’t the first time your instincts have been wrong and I’m sure it won’t be the last.” She smiled at his surprised look trying to let him know she was beginning to understand.
“Cute.” He grinned as he played with the collar of her shirt. “I would have been here sooner but we had to fly back from South America. Seems our guy wanted to get a suntan while he shopped around for buyers.” He shook his head in disbelief.
“We?” She had assumed he rushed off on his own like he normally did.
“Yeah, Francine helped me work the case in Rio. She really worked her tail off. But then she had a good reason . . .”
“A lot of lives were at stake.” Amanda nodded in understanding.
“Yeah, including hers. Chapter 3, page 135 talks about a certain blonde agent taking cooking lessons."
“Oh! Poor, Francine!” She giggled. “Well, alls well that ends well.”
“Not quite.” He moved forward staring into her eyes and brushed his lips against her mouth before pulling back slowly. “This case isn’t over yet.” He nuzzled her neck and she could barely focus on what he was saying.
“It’s not?” She smiled and shut her eyes at the sensation his mouth was creating.
When he didn’t answer she opened her eyes to find him gazing at her and shaking his head. “Oh, no. I need to debrief you.”
“Really?” She giggled at his flirtatiousness. “Well, how long do you think it will take?”
“A lifetime.”
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories
The End